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Love your child, hate your child’s new friend. And for no reason. Just because. So what happens now? Do you suck it up and deal?
Challenge: Your child has just started to hang out with a classmate you really can’t stand. The thing is, this kid seems okay and has done nothing wrong. You just have a gut feeling you don’t want your child to get too close. So what do you do?
Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., a psychologist in Richmond, Virginia, and founder of NewsForParents.org, takes on this one:Although hand-picking some new pals for your 14-year-old is probably out of the question, here’s what you can do:
Assess the situation. Do you dislike your child’s friend because you don’t approve of her hairstyle or political beliefs, or do you have more significant concerns like her behavior or attitude? This can help guide your actions about how (and whether) to step in.
Stay involved. Believe it or not, your teen really does care about your opinions and beliefs. And while she may not want to hang out with you in public anymore, she does want to know you’ll be there to offer help or advice. The key is to establish a trusting relationship from the earliest years, and create a “talk to me” environment. How? First and most importantly, let your child know that you love her unconditionally. Also, find daily opportunities to spend time with your teen and check in – without distractions - like when you’re driving her to a friend’s house, walking the dog, or eating dinner together. These moments may open doors to talk about issues currently going on at home, school, or with friends – or issues that may arise in the future, like the pressure to drink and drive or have sex.
Gain (and share) information. Ask your child to tell you about her new friend so you can learn more about her. Ask what she enjoys about the friendship and what they share in common. Be sure to keep your tone open-minded and interested, not judgmental or critical. Also, find opportunities to talk about friendships, in general. Ask what your child looks for in a friend and share your opinions about what you value most in others. These dialogues may help your child gain valuable insight into her relationships as she grows.
Set appropriate limits. Regardless of your child’s choice in friends, clearly establish rules, expectations and consequences of behavior. Provide guidelines and limits that promote your child’s safety and well-being.
Keep ‘em busy. Encourage your child to join an after-school club, sports team, or sign up to be a community volunteer. Extra-curricular activities are a great way for kids (at any age) to explore interests, socialize, meet a variety of friends in a supervised setting.
Stock the fridge. Make your house a place where kids will want to spend time. Offer plenty of food, and a place to watch TV, talk and socialize. That way, you can provide three of the things teens need most: snacks, space…and supervision. It’s a great way to get to know your teen’s friends and gain insight into their relationships and activities. (While you’re at it, be sure to get to know the parents of your child’s friends. Call them on the phone. Get together for coffee every once in a while. Keeping the lines of communication open will benefit everyone.)
Get help if you need it. Some friendships can be potentially harmful or dangerous. If you notice changes in your child’s mood or behavior, seek professional guidance. Your family physician or school guidance counselor should be able to provide appropriate referrals.
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